love like the sea
Heart Break on the shore
I sat in front of a blank page, my mind completely numb. I was told to write. I was the closest to the source of heartbreak right now. Reflecting back later, the narrative would be different, I would be different. It had to be now. I had barely eaten in days and the rising orchestra of pain washed up in my chest, beating and thrashing against this flesh shell. The violinists violently abused their bows, the double bass beating on every part of me. Ricocheting around. Someone had shot a pistol inside. I wondered when the bullet would cease to find a surface to fuck with. I was in such pain. I no longer wanted to be in my body anymore, I didn’t want to be me.
Couldn’t I just be a wave in the ocean, temporary and part of something bigger? Did waves fall in love with the shore? With the boats, they rocked against and tried to ruin in the night? There were no walls, feelings, thoughts, or other opinions, just the salt that peppered it. I wanted to be motion. I didn’t want to think about us anymore, about the last time we had sex. When he said “You’re such a nuisance” and looked at me as if I was a mirror. He smiled and I did too, I was his mirror and he was mine and we were perfectly flawed and fucked.
I was him and he was me. I’d never felt so close to someone before. After 9 months I was still unable to read him but I could feel him. Completely besotted, his greying eyelashes beat as we danced together on his short bed, by the window. The cold breeze grazing my neck, but the shivers sent down one side of my body were his doing.
His lips grabbed at mine. Mine fought back. In that moment we were the waves crashing on a beach, before sucking the sand back to itself. Give, take, give, take. I looked into his glassy eyes, reflected back on mine. We couldn’t hold this steady pace of rocking and rolling forever. Our pupils were magnetic ball bearings. Aching to reach back to each other, to be side by side and be strong enough to never rip apart.
This type of lovemaking I’ve never experienced before, I don’t know that I ever will again. It was the purest, softest, kindest, most ridiculous, embarrassingly innocent, and vulnerable type of loving. I’ve never read or heard anyone describe sex like this before. I guess it has to be experienced. It hurts to think about it, it hurts to have lived it.
Our legs dangled over the edge of the bed as we lay in silence, my mind was completely free, the water was still. There were no waves rocking, no violence of the sea and the dark layers of the the ocean were one tone for once. We were silent and peaceful. With no words we communicated everything about ourselves to each other. No one would understand but us. And we would lay in that moment forever, far from shore, far from rescue.
